Still Searching For The Truth

SEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH – October 5, 2004

“What is the truth? I don’t have all the answers but i have my opinions. At the end of June, i got out of the military. I thank God for giving me strength during my trying times for those four years. The Army is no joke. For me, it was a good experience because i have learned so much in the military and i don’t mean army stuff. I mean that i have learned so much about life in general. Particularly about the hearts of men and women. I have learned that Loyalty, Trust, and Honesty is hard to find in a person. Seeing a lot of two-faced people in the military changed my way of looking at the world. Already raised to not trust many people, the military enforced that lesson. And in the past 3 months or maybe even 6 months, i have changed and many people agree. Some say that i am more colder and some say that i am more spirited and thoughtful. I may be colder because of the betrayal that occured to me. I may be colder because of the shiesty two-faced people i have dealt with. Either way, people change for a reason. I see it was me becoming a stronger person. As much as i would love to believe that you can trust anyone and everybody cares, i can’t. It just isn’t true. Nobody wants to hurt or be hurt so now i have established this side to me that if someone hurts me again, it is not going to hurt as much”

When I wrote this muse, I was out of the military for almost 3 months. I was receiving unemployment benefits and sending resumes out on a weekly basis. I reflected on my time served as a member of the U.S. Army. As any obstacle in life’s journey, it was a challenge and a lesson learned. During my time served, some higher ranking individuals tended to abuse their power. To me it was as though they were bullied growing up and in the military, if you follow a simple guideline to move forward in your speciality, you get a raise and a higher ranking. With a higher ranking comes more power and if you grew up being bullied, you may abuse this power. So I addressed two-faced individuals and the true hearts of men because I observed this abuse in power. I also went through a terrible relationship in which I was betrayed in the form of infidelity while I served in Afghanistan. I came home to much drama and hurt. This reinforced my principles of loyalty, trust and honesty that much more. Sometimes you go through certain situations of hurt and regret and this tends to make you cold inside. You form a barrier and promise yourself that if you ever come across another situation of this caliber, that you will not let it get you down. That is the emotional blockage created as a result. This can be interpreted by many as being a cold person. Either way, you will always come across betrayal and pain. The only thing to do is minimize it by learning from your past mistakes and by remembering that life goes on as it did when you went through it any other time.

“I am currently in somewhat of a relationship. I am working on healing some wounds. In anycase, i am looking for a woman who i can trust, who will be loyal to me, and who will be honest with me. Those are the things that i always felt i had a problem when it comes to women. Trust was always a factor. Everyone knows that trust is always a big problem. How can you completely trust anyone?
Other things that i am looking for of course is a caring woman. Someone that will treat me as royally as i treat her. She my Queen and me her King. Mutual relationship. I believe that the man shouldn’t be the only one giving love, attention, affection. The woman should be willing to do whatever the man does in equal proportion. I mean of course, i am not talking about exact proportion. I just mean that it shouldn’t be so one sided. You see, i love showing my affect and i love to treat a special person special. That right there makes me happy. To love and be loved in return. I want a woman that i can sit down and have a good converstion with. Someone who admires my goals and my dreams and the hobbies i have”

I was in no relationship. That was an illusion. I was 22 and still distinguishing lust from the feeling of actually caring about someone. Still, trust is no easy task in any type of relationship and to this day I still question – can you completely trust anyone?

As far as my idea of what I want in a woman, that changes all the time. Although I believe it is required that the feeling be mutual as far as how much you care for one another. For a woman may be willing to die for her significant other while the man is mystified and focusing on another.

“It has been slightly difficult coming from the army into the “real world”. I am happy though. Many people stay in the army because they are scared that they can’t succeed as a civilian. All that they think they know is the army. There are many opportunities out here though. Many opportunities in which you don’t necessarily need a degree. A lot of businesses are booming. I have been lucky enough to come across a couple of them. Connections is what it’s all about. It takes some time though. My plans are to hold a steady regular job doing something like working on a bank or something. On the side (part time), i am going to work on my two business ventures”

Once again, I held no permanent job at this point. I knew a couple friends who got out the service around the same time as me and went back in after a few months. It was not easy looking for work. Understandably so,  it’s hard for an employer to translate your occupation in the military to experience in their field. It wasn’t until February of 2005 that I was able to land a job as a temp for a brokerage firm. I slowly progressed by seeking licenses, certifications, and other education in the securities industry. In addition to opportunities with other employers, I continued my education thanks to inspiration from a special somebody. With success also came responsibility. I was getting married, having a baby, and buying a house all at around the same time. It was a struggle but I/We managed. The business ventures at the time included real estate and life insurance (two separate ventures, not with the same company). I’ve always shown motivation to do more but it’s hard to capitilize. But just because you’ve failed in the past doesn’t mean you will fail in the future. You have to keep it movin’.

SEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH – June 21, 2004

“I am ready to get out of this poisoned institutioned called the Army. My time was served proudly and i don’t regret representing my country but the way of life in the Army is not for me”

Ok, I called the U.S. Army a “poisoned institute”. Shoot me. I was bitter. The abuse of power in the military affected me. I could have all the knowledge in the world on the task I was performing but as soon as a higher ranking person took charge, I was treated like dirt. This I despised amongst other things. Still, I remain proud to have serviced my country.

“I am a confused man about relationships. I am not confused about my career though. I have figured that out”

Funny how everything comes back full circle. This is exactly how I feel now. Remember, I wrote this in 2004, it is now 2012.

“Recently, i got my palm read. It was like $5 or $10 but they told me so much and they knew so much about me. They made a believer out of me. She said that i have a talent that i hold back on and that i also hold back on my opinions. She said that due to my prior relationship, that i am skeptical in starting a new one”

At this point, I don’t need a palm reader to tell me how my life will turn out. I feel as though I have some control over my future. Although, I do believe some people possess this gift. I’m just not sure if I’ll ever see a palm reader again. Well, maybe out of curiousity. I wonder how many other people have had their palm read only to be deceived or even those that actually believe in the craft.

“I wrote what i could and i made sure i sent something out for this month. I love doing this because i love the responses i get”

At the time I started to e-mail people my “muses”, I needed an outlet to express myself. Some could say I even needed the attention. Today, I can confirm that the above is true but its much more than that. I like feedback from different perspectives, I like to entice minds and make them think, and I simply enjoy expressing my thoughts to the world. My life is as transparent as a store window. Just look in and you will see what’s inside. Any questions, just ask.

Let’s Get Crackin!

SEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH – May 18, 2004

“I believe that suffering is a part of life. Without it, you have no life. It takes a strong person to overcome life’s obstacles which include the feelings of hurt and pain. I am a strong man and i know that i am a good man. I am a Prince and even a King in my own mind and heart. Not arrogant, just confident. Confidence and honesty is what i am about”

Ever since I left Paterson, I’ve preached the concept of struggle. In many ways, it’s what makes me who I am. When you go through emotional and financial hard times, it instills certain virtues in you. Some of these being the idea of hard work and never giving up. This is also what distinguishes those that are still in the streets and those that are trying to make something of themselves. One of the main themes is to learn from your own and others mistakes. I’ve been around some individuals growing up that made me decide that this is not how I want to be. The things that I’ve seen and been through would make a good book some day. A thriller novel, lol. All in all, I remain confident in who I am and what I am capable of. I wear Lance Armstrong’s band “Living STRONG”. To me, it not only symbolizes the fight for cancer but also the idea of overcoming life’s obstacles and remaining strong through it all.

“Me and my friend PancakeMan dwelled on this one concept that i want to talk about or type about. I might have changed it to fit what was on my mind but it is about finding that “significant other”. To have reached the state of true love or real love, one must reach compatibility in these 4 parts of a person: the mind, body, heart and soul. A couple must entice each others Minds with conversation and with communication. This is part of what keeps a relationship fresh. A couple who is able to please each others Bodies with the most intense and best feelings is part of a good relationship as well. In most cases, sex is the best when the couple Loves each other. Love makes sex turn into lovemaking. …. That is my opinion at least. Third is the Heart. Love comes from the Heart. So if you would do anything for that person and your heart races when you see that person, then that is love from the heart. You Love him or her. The last thing is the Soul. This is when you are willing to accept this person for his or her imperfections and when you are willing to work it out. You are willing to work and put in the effort to stay with this person because you know that they complete you in the other three ways. M(mind), B(body), H(heart), & S(soul). To complete each other on these 4 levels is real, everlasting love. Or something like that. I haven’t found it yet so i don’t know. Just a theory. Long-term married couples share your opinions”

Yes, I had a friend who called himself the Pancake Man. So anyway, here I am 21 and writing about what makes love true love. Lol. I still believe in the 4 aspects of compatibility. Physical attraction is where it starts with some people. We have developed into a vain society but it’s the truth. We meet someone attractive and then we see if we are compatible. There are those rare cases where we learn to truly love what was once a friend. There is no specific place where it starts but this is my opinion in 2012 (subject to change :)). On the Mind – we find common interests and establish a rapport in conversating about these topics. To quench each other’s minds you must have basic life conversations and the ability to listen intently. Truly listening is very important. Some individuals are not frank in sending out their message so you must also pay attention to subtle clues on what they want to communicate. Communication is key. You shouldn’t have too much in common as this can lead to a boring relationship. Body – sex, kisses, hugs, and any physical contact are ways to show how one feels for the other. This can easily be mistaken for lust and obsession. This is where some relationships become faulty. Sex is a pleasure sought by many men and women not looking for love. It can be hard to distinguish sex for the sake of displaying your affection (as well as pleasure) versus sex solely for pleasure. My opinion is that any kind of physical affection is important. Heart – The heart is the emotional vehicle behind a relationship. Your emotions after getting to know that person is what can be the determinant in deciding if you find love. What would you do for that person? How important is it to you that you make it work? In any serious relationship, you must sacrifice. Are you emotionally ready to make certain sacrifices to be with this person? Etc. Soul – Another abstract concept. You ever hear someone say something like, “I love your mind, body and soul”? Well, that’s the soul. Lol. The soul is a deep feeling of kinship. It is an unconditional friend. You can share thoughts, opinions, and feelings. This is why most people use the term “soul mate”. These are my 2012 opinions although each aspect can be discussed more extensively. I mean people write books on the subject of love. I’m writing one long paragraph, lol.

“Loyalty & Trust…….”friendships are required at a price” – Machiavelli   

“….. My mother raised me to be careful with who i hang out with, therefore it was always hard for me to trust people or associates. Now i thank God that he has blessed me with the right friends. Those that will be loyal to me and never abandon me for frivolous problems or situations, those that confide in me and me in them, those that will always be there for me no matter what, those are my true friends. Most people are wicked, they will break their word at every opportunity for their own utility. I have few friends. Few real friends. Be careful about who you pick as a friend. Betrayal is one of the worst feelings. I have felt this growing up. Now i have tryed to wisen up and be cautious with those i speak to or confide in. Some people are easily influenced by people and think that they have lots of so called “friends”. I’d rather have few true friends than deal with the possibility that i might have backstabbers and fakes in my camp. The quote in the beginning by Machiavelli is how i feel about obtaining a real friend. Favors will be required on both sides. You got to have each others backs”

At 21, I recognized that most individuals have hidden agendas. At 29, it is even more so than I anticipated. Friendship has become a selfish need. We want someone to go out with, talk to, cry with, or keep company. Are we willing to reciprocate for the other end? I can honestly say that I have some friends that I just see when I need company. Those I call associates. I don’t take the term “friend” lightly. It involves trust and that’s where it gets shakey. Some “friends” play the part in order to get what they want. This is mostly the case when you have friends of the opposite sex. So yeah, I think I have well under 200 Facebook “friends”. Maybe just half of those are true friends and most are really good associates.

“…he should proceed in a temperate mode with prudence and humanity so that too much confidence does not make him incautious and too much diffidence does not render him intolerable.” – The Prince by Machiavelli….

“Confident that i will succeed after the Army, confident that i will find the love of my life who will be compatible to me in those four states of self that i talked about earlier, confident that i am a good man because i constantly look to better myself, confident because i speak how i feel and tell it as it is regardless of the consequences or reactions, confident because i am me and no one can take that away from me”

It’s great to be confident but being overly confident can be viewed as being an asshole. Lol. Like everything else in life, you must keep a balance. I notice back then I quoted Machiavelli a few times. The Prince is one of my favorite books. In it, the author discusses certain virtues one must have in order to be a balanced prince or political leader. You can take alot from it when it comes to living your own life and being a better person.

I identify myself as a good man because I realize my worth. I’m a good man because I know that I will always strive to be a better person in every aspect (father, brother, friend, etc.). I am not perfect as I make mistakes as much as the next person. Once again, it’s all about learning from them. This is what makes a person humble. The fact that I can address all these topics and my opinions to the world shows that I have nothing to hide and am not afraid to express myself.