Still Searching For The Truth

SEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH – October 5, 2004

“What is the truth? I don’t have all the answers but i have my opinions. At the end of June, i got out of the military. I thank God for giving me strength during my trying times for those four years. The Army is no joke. For me, it was a good experience because i have learned so much in the military and i don’t mean army stuff. I mean that i have learned so much about life in general. Particularly about the hearts of men and women. I have learned that Loyalty, Trust, and Honesty is hard to find in a person. Seeing a lot of two-faced people in the military changed my way of looking at the world. Already raised to not trust many people, the military enforced that lesson. And in the past 3 months or maybe even 6 months, i have changed and many people agree. Some say that i am more colder and some say that i am more spirited and thoughtful. I may be colder because of the betrayal that occured to me. I may be colder because of the shiesty two-faced people i have dealt with. Either way, people change for a reason. I see it was me becoming a stronger person. As much as i would love to believe that you can trust anyone and everybody cares, i can’t. It just isn’t true. Nobody wants to hurt or be hurt so now i have established this side to me that if someone hurts me again, it is not going to hurt as much”

When I wrote this muse, I was out of the military for almost 3 months. I was receiving unemployment benefits and sending resumes out on a weekly basis. I reflected on my time served as a member of the U.S. Army. As any obstacle in life’s journey, it was a challenge and a lesson learned. During my time served, some higher ranking individuals tended to abuse their power. To me it was as though they were bullied growing up and in the military, if you follow a simple guideline to move forward in your speciality, you get a raise and a higher ranking. With a higher ranking comes more power and if you grew up being bullied, you may abuse this power. So I addressed two-faced individuals and the true hearts of men because I observed this abuse in power. I also went through a terrible relationship in which I was betrayed in the form of infidelity while I served in Afghanistan. I came home to much drama and hurt. This reinforced my principles of loyalty, trust and honesty that much more. Sometimes you go through certain situations of hurt and regret and this tends to make you cold inside. You form a barrier and promise yourself that if you ever come across another situation of this caliber, that you will not let it get you down. That is the emotional blockage created as a result. This can be interpreted by many as being a cold person. Either way, you will always come across betrayal and pain. The only thing to do is minimize it by learning from your past mistakes and by remembering that life goes on as it did when you went through it any other time.

“I am currently in somewhat of a relationship. I am working on healing some wounds. In anycase, i am looking for a woman who i can trust, who will be loyal to me, and who will be honest with me. Those are the things that i always felt i had a problem when it comes to women. Trust was always a factor. Everyone knows that trust is always a big problem. How can you completely trust anyone?
Other things that i am looking for of course is a caring woman. Someone that will treat me as royally as i treat her. She my Queen and me her King. Mutual relationship. I believe that the man shouldn’t be the only one giving love, attention, affection. The woman should be willing to do whatever the man does in equal proportion. I mean of course, i am not talking about exact proportion. I just mean that it shouldn’t be so one sided. You see, i love showing my affect and i love to treat a special person special. That right there makes me happy. To love and be loved in return. I want a woman that i can sit down and have a good converstion with. Someone who admires my goals and my dreams and the hobbies i have”

I was in no relationship. That was an illusion. I was 22 and still distinguishing lust from the feeling of actually caring about someone. Still, trust is no easy task in any type of relationship and to this day I still question – can you completely trust anyone?

As far as my idea of what I want in a woman, that changes all the time. Although I believe it is required that the feeling be mutual as far as how much you care for one another. For a woman may be willing to die for her significant other while the man is mystified and focusing on another.

“It has been slightly difficult coming from the army into the “real world”. I am happy though. Many people stay in the army because they are scared that they can’t succeed as a civilian. All that they think they know is the army. There are many opportunities out here though. Many opportunities in which you don’t necessarily need a degree. A lot of businesses are booming. I have been lucky enough to come across a couple of them. Connections is what it’s all about. It takes some time though. My plans are to hold a steady regular job doing something like working on a bank or something. On the side (part time), i am going to work on my two business ventures”

Once again, I held no permanent job at this point. I knew a couple friends who got out the service around the same time as me and went back in after a few months. It was not easy looking for work. Understandably so,  it’s hard for an employer to translate your occupation in the military to experience in their field. It wasn’t until February of 2005 that I was able to land a job as a temp for a brokerage firm. I slowly progressed by seeking licenses, certifications, and other education in the securities industry. In addition to opportunities with other employers, I continued my education thanks to inspiration from a special somebody. With success also came responsibility. I was getting married, having a baby, and buying a house all at around the same time. It was a struggle but I/We managed. The business ventures at the time included real estate and life insurance (two separate ventures, not with the same company). I’ve always shown motivation to do more but it’s hard to capitilize. But just because you’ve failed in the past doesn’t mean you will fail in the future. You have to keep it movin’.